Conversations with Friends
I love that TikTok can provide the most unexpectedly profound nuggets. It can be such a chaotic experience to scroll and ride the coaster, but I can’t deny that I learn something new with every ~ sesh. ~
One of my recent favorites was a woman breaking down Conversation Styles, and I’ve been reflecting on it ever since. I love how the precise language brings clarity to an abstract part of our day-to-day.
This system outlined 3 areas to assess, when reflecting on the way we converse with one another:
1. Sharing Information
Volunteers share information openly and freely, and expect that others will do the same in conversation.
Invite-Onlys share information when invited to do so, and invite others to do so in return.
2. Meeting Needs
Askers pose the questions they want to, regardless of other people’s feelings or the outcome. They expect that the recipient will answer honestly, and do the same in return.
Guessers only ask the question if they think the other person will feel comfortable and is likely to respond how they’re hoping.
3. Conversation Flow
Builders add their own thoughts and experiences into conversation, expecting that others will do the same.
Maintainers encourage the speaker to continue sharing on a topic, asking questions to continue speakers on their path.
I love this articulation and breakdown, and definitely believe that having a balance of all is key. Family dynamics and conditioning definitely influence the way we communicate, and the styles really change depending on who you’re talking to.
It feels like Volunteers, Askers, and Builders are more direct styles, whereas Inquiry-Only, Guessers, and Maintainers are leaning into consideration. And, I think these two sides can be at odds a bit — finding the opposite draining.
Ultimately I identify as a Volunteer; I love sparking conversation and feel comfortable being an open book. If I get the sense that a person is Invite-Only, it can feel more unnatural to me.
I am striving to be more of an Asker! And really respect people who are. I absolutely tend to operate as a Guesser; doing legwork to think about how a person will react before posing a question. But, as I’ve grown and shed some Millenial people-pleasing, I realize that Guessing can stunt us from getting what we really want. And it’s important as a recipient to answer authentically, rather than assuming anything behind the inquiry.
I’m definitely a Builder. 🤭 And I apologize to the Maintainers I have offended over the years! I also laugh thinking about my fellow Builders and how our conversations feel. We stay buildin’ and buildin’… 😅 almost like our own conversations are happening separately, until we both resolve our respective thought-processes.
I love breaking down these styles and perspectives to help clarify different levels of comfortability and expectations with conversations. And it’s a super interesting tool to bring to loved ones!
Title inspired by my gitl, Sally Rooney. ❤️
